Living Losses & Lament
“How long, O LORD?”
Psalm 13:1 (NIV)
Most of us do everything we can to avoid the subject of grief, perhaps hoping that we can avoid it all together. But the fact is that all of us if we live long enough will have to deal with it sooner or later. Grief is the process of coping with the loss and sorrow that accompany life and death in a fallen world.
James Bruce spent 7 years at his first elementary school even though the school was only designed to accommodate K-3rd graders. One morning he and I were sitting on the floor outside his classroom waiting for his Special Ed aide to arrive. Directly across the hall, a teacher was hanging student artwork in preparation for the PTA Parent Open House that was scheduled for that evening. Each drawing hung was labeled in the bottom right corner with the student’s name and age. A young boy cheerfully helped his teacher by handing her the drawings. Upon completion, the teacher descended from the step ladder and asked her young student, “Now, how does that look?”
“It looks pretty good,” he replied. “But you made a mistake.”
“A mistake?” she questioned.
“Yes. You said that I’m 9 years old and actually I’m only 8!”
That innocent exchange ambushed me and triggered an intense chronic sorrow grief response. My special needs child would never be able to help his teacher hang his artwork or engage in a meaningful question and answer teacher/student exchange, much less obtain a driver’s license or get married.
By this point in our Special Needs parenting journey, my husband and I had gotten past the anger, denial, depression, and bargaining phases of grief and accepted James Bruce’s limitations. But that morning’s teacher/student exchange sent me reeling back through the anger and depression stages of grief, the “Why?” and “How long?” questions that many of the Psalms reflect.
Chronic sorrow, often referred to as "a living loss," is the presence of recurring grief in the lives of parents or caregivers with loved ones who have ongoing chronic conditions. At its core, chronic sorrow is a normal grief process response that is associated with an ongoing living loss. It is the emotional chasm between "what is" versus the caregiver’s view of "what should have been." Because the "living loss" doesn't go away, chronic sorrow may stay in the background while the family does their best to cope. A crisis or grief trigger can magnify the loss and disparity between reality and the life once dreamed of, and produce profound sadness. Left unchecked, chronic sorrow can lead to a recurring cycle of anger and depression that then consume the much-needed emotional resources required for constant caregiving. Chronic sorrow isn't limited to parents whose children have special needs. Caregivers of family members with Alzheimer's, dementia, addiction, infertility, and chronic neurological degenerative disease patients may also suffer from chronic sorrow.
What does the Bible have to say about this ongoing kind of grief? Many of the Psalms and the book of Lamentations give voice to both our questions, pain, and griefs. Approximately 1/3 of the Psalms are songs of lament.
Author Mark Vroegop writing in his award-winning book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy defines lament as “the minor key language for our suffering.” He writes: “Lament helps us navigate the wilderness of our grief…Lament gives a person permission to wrestle with sorrow instead of rushing to end it… Lament is a divinely given liturgy leading you to mercy…Lament is how you live between the poles of a hard life and trusting in God’s sovereignty. Lament is how we bring our sorrow to God…(it) is the sacred song of sorrow.”
Jeremiah, “the weeping prophet,” authored an entire book of lament as he grieved the destruction of Jerusalem and the Babylonian exile of Israel. The first two chapters of Lamentations describe the suffering, death, and destruction Jeremiah personally witnessed. In the middle of chapter 3, however, Jeremiah sounds a note of hope when he looks up to God instead of looking around at his circumstances. Looking up, Jeremiah writes:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV)
This week I am speaking to a women’s group on grief. Our family bears witness that there are no gaps in God’s faithfulness. He who was faithful in our Chronic Sorrow has also been faithful in our acute grief. Our circumstances changed, but God didn’t.
Great is His faithfulness!