On Parenting and Empty Nests
“There is a time for everything and a
season for every activity under heaven.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)
We’re currently in the middle of busy graduation and wedding seasons. I’ve seen several articles written by parents who are adjusting to changing life seasons and empty nests. (You can read some of those here, here, and here. )
Psychologist and author Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once noted that most parents pray for “normal” children until their child is born and then “normal” is never good enough. Our first two children were typical children and Dobson’s words were certainly true for my parenting. I wanted both children to excel at everything.
Having our third child not only changed my perspective, but also my parenting. James Bruce’s birth was normal, but I quickly realized that something was wrong. By the time he was two months old, I was desperately looking for answers. He was finally diagnosed with mild intellectual disabilities, origin unknown, at age three. His genetic anomaly was discovered when he was five; autism at age nine; and a seizure disorder at eighteen. With each diagnosis, any dream for ever having an empty nest died along with all the hopes and plans we had for our son.
About twenty-five years ago, one of my best friends was very depressed for weeks when her youngest child left for college. I tried to empathize before finally lamenting, “I can only wish for an empty nest. If you get too depressed, you can always come and keep for James Bruce so we can go to dinner.” Truthfully, I was jealous and wished for my own empty nest, but couldn’t see a light at the end of our caregiving tunnel. Special needs parenting is exhausting.
Like most parents whose children have special needs, our biggest fear as caregivers was “What happens to him after we’re gone?” Our other children understood early on that everything Bruce and I had would be used for James Bruce’s care after we died. We prayed, parented, and prepared them with that perspective.
Our job as parents is to work ourselves out of our job and develop strong, capable adults who can stand on their own and take care of themselves. Bruce and I encouraged our typical children to develop independent living skills. It’s never too early to begin teaching life skills. Even a two-year-old can help pick up his toys or put on her shoes.
One of the best things we did to manage the chaos in our home was to implement a 15- minute nightly pick up drill after dinner. Some kids vacuumed, others emptied trash cans, washed dishes, or helped with laundry. Even James Bruce could pick up toys or take out trash. Six people doing 15 minutes of cleanup resulted in 90 minutes of work and a straightened house. Life skills were built.
As our children grew, my husband & I stressed the urgency and importance of them becoming self-sufficient. We prayed and helped direct their choices with colleges, majors, and future occupations. Our children understood that after college they could return home, but doing so meant also helping with their brother’s care. We had no boomerangs. Following their college and graduate school studies, each young adult began living independently and building their own lives, careers, and families.
Parenting is ultimately a matter of stewardship. We don’t own our children; we steward them. Our children are gifts on loan from God. They belonged to him long before they ever belonged to us. They will be God’s after we’re gone. Isaiah 45:11(NASB) is one of my “go to” verses for praying for our children. “Ask Me about the things to come concerning My sons and you commit to Me the work of My hands.” God claims ownership and responsibility for all of our children- James Bruce included.
That truth comforted and sustained me when James Bruce died in his sleep unexpectedly in 2022 from a massive seizure. He was 38. I never expected an empty nest, but I now have one. Fears for an unknown future without us to care for him have been replaced first with grief, then with gratitude, and now an assurance that James Bruce is finally whole and forever home. One day Bruce and I will be too.
God’s nest is never empty. He is a good, good Father and a much more God who is more than enough for whatever season we find ourselves.