The Ministry of Sorrow
“You, O LORD have helped me
and comforted me.”
Psalm 86:17 (NIV)
In his excellent book Seasons of Sorrow author Tim Challies defines the Ministry of Sorrow as a “ministry of faithful suffering.” Challies writes, “For just as he (God) calls some to proclaim his gospel in far-off lands, he calls some to bear witness to his goodness in grief.”
I suppose that is where we are now in our grief journey. It’s been 3.5 years since James Bruce’s death. The acute grief that Bruce and I felt in the immediate days following our son’s death eventually gave way to an ever-present dull ache that I suppose we will live with until we too go home to the Lord. Through it all, God has been good.
The Bible actually has a lot to say about the grief associated with the loss of a child. Death in a fallen world is normal, but it’s never natural. Only four chapters into the Bible, Adam and Eve experience the death of a son when Cain murders Abel. Job loses seven sons and three daughters in one blow. Naomi lost her husband before losing both her sons. King David lost both an infant son with Bathsheba and his favored son, Absalom. When King Herod slaughtered all the young boys under two years old in Bethlehem, scripture records: “A voice is heard in Ramah weeping and mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more” (Matthew 2:18). Mary, the mother of Jesus, watched her son die on the cross.
Experts suggest that it takes 5-8 years to process the grief of losing a child. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the parents whose children died in the recent Texas floods. If I could talk to them one-on-one, this is the Ministry of Sorrow counsel I would offer:
Grief is a process; it takes time.
Everyone grieves in his own way, so don’t compare griefs.
You don’t get over grief; by God’s grace you get through it.
Grief fog is real.
Remember DEER each day. (Drink, Eat, Exercise, Rest)! It really helps.
You can’t carry anyone else’s grief besides your own, so don’t even try.
Grief is very isolating.
Short prayers are long enough. “God hold me close” (Psalm 34:18) was my “go to” prayer in the middle of the night when sleep was often elusive and the nights were long. “Don’t let me go” was another frequent prayer that God answered.
·God can handle our questions. The Psalms are full of laments with “Why?” and “How” questions written in the middle of great losses.
Don’t be afraid to have boundaries or to tell people what you really need.
Your mind matters; feed it well. I turned off the television and turned up the praise music. Two of my favorite songs on replay were The Goodness of God and Christ Our Hope in Life and Death.
Writing my thoughts down helped me “think and thank,” two essential disciplines recommended by Tim Keller in his book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. Grief and gratitude ran parallel tracks as I thought and thanked God for the gift of James Bruce.
Remember, rehearse, recall the things you know to be true. Following the death of her second husband Elisabeth Elliot frequently recited The Apostle’s Creed reminding herself that though her circumstances had changed, God hadn’t. For me, remembering my good friend Laura Black’s last words to me in 2012 continue to bring great comfort: “No matter what happens, remember God is always good, and we are always loved.”
As Christians we do not grieve as the world grieves. God is with us. Those who are in Christ Jesus have the hope of the resurrection; the hope of God’s promises; the hope of his Word; the hope of heaven; and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Hope is a faith that looks and leans forward. It is both an anchor and a lifeline in the midst of our suffering and great loss. The same steadfast hope practices that helped me hold onto steadfast hope in seasons of waiting continue to help me my grief. These include:
Facing my fears
Feeding my soul
Fixing my gaze on Christ (or Keep my eyes up!)
Remembering I have a Savior who waits and weeps with me.
God is the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) who comforts us in our suffering and grief so that we can comfort others. He uses his people in The Ministry of Sorrow.